Once a Friend, Always a Friend — Well, Not Exactly

You have friends. I have friends. We all have friends.  The question is…. What type of friends do you have?  It has been said that friends are like parts of a tree; each part is necessary, but some are far more important than others.

The Party Friend =  Leaf

You don’t hang out with the Party Friend often. This person is always up for a good time. To them, life is about the present. They may be fun to be around, but their intentions are self-driven. The one you should really not lean on and especially, not the one you confide in.  This is also known as the “fake” friend… a stepping stone, if you will.  They smile in our face one minute and stab you in the back the next. One minute they are beautiful– innocently providing shade like a good leaf does.  The next minute, BAM! They are clogging up your pool drain in no time flat.  You don’t find a fake friend–you catch them.  Like the leaf, the Party Friend is seasonal — they come, go and when your use their use has been exhausted, they blow away and reappear in the spring.

The Convenient Friend = Gnarly Branch

The convenient friend is just that — convenient. They only come around when it is to their benefit.  Often times, the convenient friend is using you to get to someone or something else.  Closely related to or an extension of the Party Friend (leaf), the Convenient Friend is one you definitely need to keep at arm’s length; especially, when a man is involved.  They are sometimes referred to as “Scandalous Hoes” or “I Cut a Bitch,”  according to my resources :)   The Convenient Friend is like those scraggly or annoying off-shoot branches that are there for who knows what purpose while hogging all of the nutrients from the other parts of the tree.  Solution? Cut the bitch gnarly branch off so the rest of the tree can flourish.

Sister = Root

We have to love the Sister!!  The Sister is the one you lean on– the one you tell your deepest, darkest secrets to.  The one you can’t wait to tell whatever it is that just happened; good, bad, or indifferent –you still want her to know.  We sometimes are not a fan of the Sister, because she won’t sugar coat anything– Ever.  Not even when we don’t want to know the truth (like how many calories are in this hot fudge sundae that I’m about to devour even though I have a pair of jeans I need to fit in by next month).  The root is forever strong and always sturdy — as their job is to feed and foster growth.  Whether related by blood or just a damn good friend, neither distance nor time can keep the Sister away.  She is firmly rooted in your life whether you like it or not. You find out who your friends are when shit goes south…  The friends that hang around when things get ugly are your roots.. KEEP THEM and treat them like gold for they have seen you at your worst and love you anyway!  (shout out to @Gingersnaap37)

I challenge you to take inventory of your friends.  Prune and rake what needs pruning and raking.  Water, talk to, and cherish what needs watering, cherishing and talking to in order to keep the roots in your life healthy :)

What part of the tree are you???

Inside Out

Whether we like it or not, society –for the most part– dictates how we feel about ourselves. Too fat, too skinny, goody-two-shoes, not good enough, to light, too dark, too old, too young – the list goes on and on.  Before long, we tend to lose our individuality and without knowing, begin to conform to the demands of others — all while losing our sense of self.  Our attitude towards others— but more importantly, our attitude towards ourselves changes. Enter low self-esteem. We become eager to please anyone and everyone — just so we can fit in… fit in to this group called society… the same society that wanted us to change in the first place.  Why is that? Why can’t society just let us be who we are, instead of who they want us to be?  Why do we change for others? Why do we lose our sense of self along the way?

As humans, wanting to feel accepted and loved is part of our DNA — we want it, need it, crave it; even if it is fabricated and  under false pretenses….  Even if it causes us to change the very core of who we are in order to fit in.  When we change who we are, we become a servant of sorts to those around us. Our individuality disappears and we transform into someone/something other than ourselves. We lose sight of our True North and we begin to live the life designed by someone other than ourselves.  Our inner voice is silenced and we are no longer able to express our desires, wants, and needs that are both necessary and required to satisfy our inner being; instead, we spend our energy spinning our wheels and what seems like groveling for attention, acceptance, and love from those around us.

For some, this attention is being sought after by a spouse; for others, this attention is being sought after by a parent; for many, this attention is being sought after by a potential partner.  Whatever the reason and whomever the attention is intended for, the amount of time, energy, and effort put in to this quest for love and acceptance becomes the new mission that seems to operate on auto pilot as it is a constant and ongoing endeavor (oftentimes to no avail). While your efforts increase, the amount of attention and/or love do not — so you try harder…still nothing.   You then become desperate crafty and develop new ways to “win” the love and affection of those on your “acceptance radar.”  Interestingly enough, many of these people you either do not even know or do not actually care for; but for some reason, you now need their love and affection nonetheless.  It becomes a draining and vicious cycle (the hamster in the wheel type of situation) with no end in sight.

While you are subconsciously in a downward spiral, those around you are going about their day and are moving right on up the ladder of life. Some may truly care about you, while others enjoy making you feel inadequate and take pride in having you feel less-than. Either way, your desire to please others (that are perhaps not even deserving of your time and efforts) and feeling of inadequacy will continue for a long time years ( maybe for the rest of your life) unless you are ready to make a change.  The moment we allow society to dictate how we feel about ourselves is the moment we lose our sense of self. Believe me when I tell you that this can be very dangerous to your life as you know it in so many ways and on so many levels.  It is so easy to get caught up in the physical elements deemed necessary in order to feel accepted.  Society and social media have made it almost impossible feel good about  yourself — in your very own skin –just the way you are at any given moment– exactly the way God made you.  Instead, they want you to look thinner, tanner, toner, smoother, lighter, darker, more successful, etc…   This is closely linked to relationships, whether we choose to believe it or not. Sad, but unfortunately true.

Those of you that know what I’m talking about will agree. We become so focused on getting love and acceptance from others and care entirely too much about what they think that we lose sight of loving and accepting the only person that really matters: You!  Loving and accepting yourself — flaws, fat rolls and all — takes practice. You must believe in yourself and know that you are wonderfully made.  You must know that you are who you are and that is a beautiful thing.  Loving the skin you’re in takes courage — at least for me it does.  It is easy to read this and say you love yourself if you have never been teased or told by someone you once loved that you are/were FAT!.  Hearing those types of things does something to your soul, your spirit and your sense of self —- you find yourself believing what others are saying ….     I am happy to report, however, that this “Outside In” mentality (as I like to call it) can be transformed into “Inside Out” mentality.  It isn’t easy and takes a lot of patience/practice. But you can do it!  You deserve it!   It is easier to search for acceptance from others(external) than to accept who we are (internal) — fat rolls and all.  You must love yourself enough to know that you are good enough others are good enough to be in your company — NOT the other way around!  And if they don’t like your fat rolls and cellulite, kindly tell them to KISS YOUR ASS (You don’t need them anyway!)

Your inner self is more precious than gold. Love it! Cherish it! Feed it positive thoughts! Water it with kindness!  Love yourself from the inside out.  When this happens, everything else will fall in to place.  You will be a better parent, better friend, better sibling, better employee, better spouse, and most of all, a HAPPY YOU!

Why Am I Crying Over Him Again?! (Actually, I’m irritated)

We all do it — every single one of us. We are all on the eternal quest for love; yet few of us truly seem to find it– as it appears to be some  mystical unobtainable item just like the package of steaks in the bottom of Aunt Edna’s deep freeze, which is stored in that dark corner of her creepy garage.  Everyone knows it’s there; everyone wants it, but no one wants to take the time to find it.  Why is this?  Fear of the unknown comes to mind; especially, if you have been in Aunt Edna’s creepy garage before and you were left for dead –or so it seemed.

The quest for love is the same. There is a constant underlying fear of being left for dead — which translates to fear of rejection.  As a result, many people settle.  People settle for various reasons, one being the absence of the fear of rejection.  For some, this is a win-win: they have their bills paid, roof over their head, some form of love (in their mind), a companion, and little or no fear of rejection.  This sounds fabulous!!  Until your heart starts stalling at the intersections of intimacy and meaningful conversation.  When this happens, you have to get out and push — forcing your heart to do, say, or believe things that are not true — just so you can get through the day, month, year intersection.  Easy is not always better.  I consider settling taking the easy way out.  Anyone can settle – I did when I met my ex husband.  At the time, I had no idea that settling is what I was doing; instead, I thought I was doing what I was supposed to be doing — following my heart.  Boy! Was I wrong!!! Sure, my bills were paid, I had a roof over my head, a companion, and what I thought was the perfect set up for little or no fear of rejection (after all, that is why you get married, right? Your spouse is now your protector –the one that will build you up, not tear you down).  Perhaps I was standing in the wrong line in the hubby department, because I eventually realized that I had set myself up for rejection BIG TIME!!

I finally had the wake up call I needed to end that toxic relationship — but not without learning some important information along the way.  Every situation (both good and bad) should always have a take away.  My take away from my 20 year marriage is that men are shady creatures, indeed.  I know now that their words need to match their actions. When their words/actions are not aligned, pay attention to their actions, because their actions are directly related to their heart.

Now that I know this,  you would think it would be a snap to weed out the shady riff-raff, right?  Wrong!!  Yes, it is easier than it was 25 years ago, but like technology, the delivery methods of shadiness have evolved tremendously when it comes to the male species – it’s as if embedded in their DNA.  This can sometimes make it difficult for a female to spot shadiness — as some males have perfected their line of crap to a T.  Patience will draw out shadiness like a picnic attracts ants…. give it time and you will see.

There are so many damn books out there on what to do, what not to do, what to say, what not to say, when to call, when not to call, etc…. it’s both overwhelming and impossible to keep track of — makes me want to vomit!!  Seriously!  It’s ridiculous!  I have come to the point where I will read snippets of this book, a few pages of that book, and the back cover of another — whatever seems to make sense and answer one of the never-ending questions that I have about men and why they get on my ever-loving last nerve when it comes to dating.  It has become a mish-mash of information at best.

My friends tell me I need to stop thinking men are shady and start dating again — I tell myself that I will try to actually make an effort.  And then a man will open his mouth — and out comes the biggest pile of cow dung ever!  The ones that seem to pass my check list and sound like they are capable of having a meaningful conversation and seem like a true gentleman seem to have either a concussion or amnesia, because while they go on and on….. and on…. about loyalty and respect, they haven’t quite grasped the concept of loyalty and respect when dating.  I am talking about simple things like calling when you say you are going to call.  Actually making plans when you ask me to keep Saturday open so we can spend the day together….  you know — little things like that.

If I know that men are going to act like this, then why do I get upset… and cry?  Good question.  The only answer I have is that I am more irritated than I am upset.  It’s like if you are going to tell me you think I’m great and you appreciate me, blah, blah, blah… then make sure your actions match your words.  You dropping off and not calling all of a sudden or not following through on your plans is no bueno for me.  This is the part that irritates the crap out of me:  If you want/need to move on — then please do. Just have the courtesy to tell me.  Man up and take your sack out of the jar and tell me.  Don’t skirt around the issue and drop off like you don’t exist.  As women, we need affirmation — when you disappear, we think it is something that we have done or said. We then spend countless hours   minutes wondering “was it something I said? – or “did I do something to offend him? I didn’t think I did….”   Our minds are racing around, taking up more oxygen and brain power than necessary trying to figure out what in the hell is happening — all because you are nowhere to be found and don’t have the decency (or ball sack enough) to let us know.  I can pretty much guarantee you that he is not doing the same thing. In fact, he is probably not thinking about you at all — or he would have called.

It’s like this:  If he wants to call, he’ll call; if he doesn’t, he won’t.  Ok, I get that!  But if he doesn’t want to call, then he needs to man up and just say so…  Seriously!! Uuuuuggggghhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!

This is when I have to remind myself of several things:

  • This may not be the right one for me — AND THAT IS OK!!
  • I consider it practice for when the right one comes along ( that doesn’t mean it still isn’t a sucky situation).
  • His loss, not mine.
  • I would rather be irritated with men and  remain single than settle for a man who irritates me on a daily basis!!!  No thank you!!!

 

 

 

JUST DRIVE ALREADY!!!!!!!!!

Driving – It’s what we do; however, not all of us do it the same. Some drive fast, some drive slow, and some drive in between.  That seems perfect, because most freeways (that’s what we call them where I am from — and since this is my post, I get to name the type of road) have at least 3 lanes — one for each type of driver, right?  WRONG!  It seems as though many drivers are complete and utterly unaware of how to fricken drive.  It’s not hard. It’s not rocket science. It is, however something that requires some type of coherent understanding that the freeway was not built JUST for you (I know — shocked, right!? Sad…but true – the freeway is meant for everyone. Go figure…).  As such, it is somewhat  very important that everyone drive offensively – always aware of your surroundings and throwing in a little a lot of patience and courtesy to your fellow roadsters.

While this will never come to pass, I believe those wishing to drive in this great nation of ours should all learn how to drive in either New York or Southern California — as that is where  road rage meets road etiquette head on.  Driving on the offensive is critical in today’s day and age — as those behind the wheel are either texting (I know — that does doesn’t apply to those reading this — but it does apply to most  drivers on the road today), talking on the phone, or deep in conversation with others in the car.  The common denominator in the aforementioned is lack of common courtesy to those drivers in front of, along side — and most importantly, behind you.

While my son continues to argue this every time we are in the car together, he stands behind the fact that there IS no such thing as a “fast or passing” lane.  Well, I beg to differ!!!!   The far left lane, regardless if it is a two, three, four, five, or yes, six lane freeway is for passing — or yes, going fast.  Apparently, that news flash has not worked its way to the midwest — because every morning, without fail, I am behind a car going 60 (65 if I am lucky) in the fast lane…. while they are talking on their phone or texting.  Where I’m from, the courteous thing to do is flash your brights at the car in front so they are aware you are behind them — and that you are wanting them to move the fuck over!!   It takes patience I didn’t even know that I had to not ram the car in front of me when they do not acknowledge my courteous gesture of flashing my brights (I refrain from giving the “other” courteous gesture ) and continue to maintain their current speed in the fast fricking lane.  Never should a driver have to pass a car on the right — it should always be on the left.

Not only are drivers unconscious in the fast lane, they are trying to run you off the fucking road when YOU have the right of way as they are entering the freeway from an on ramp.  Pretty sure the YIELD sign they have to drive right past applies to them…. which is right after the MERGE sign a few yards back.  Midwestern folks have NO CLUE how to merge or yield or drive, for that matter.  Get your head out of your ass and drive already!!!!!  I have places to go, people to see, and your sorry ass to pass!!

I’m tempted to write a letter to the Editor of my local paper, stating the time of day and section of freeway and the color/make of the car — of course, I would leave out the license place –as that would get so many panties in a wad… and we can’t have that now, can we.  Sadly, those reading the article will probably be the damn drivers I am referring to and will be like “Who is this Jack Ass they are referring to in the article — they should learn how to drive…”  That’s the mentality of the ignorant wonderful and courteous people in this town.

I could write about this for years —- but for now, these few paragraphs will have to do.  You get the idea!!!!  Just drive already!

Red Flag, Red Flag, Red Fucking Flag!!!

Growing up, the only red flags I even knew existed were tied to the end of a board or piece of equipment sticking out from the back of a pick up truck. Even then, the purpose of the red flag was to make you aware of a potential hazard.  How unfortunate for me that  it took me more than half my life to discover that red flags are everywhere, not just sticking out from the bed of the truck in front of you.

This may be a one-woman show (as I am sure everyone reading this is like…”who wouldn’t know THAT was/is a red flag” ) — well, that someone would be me. 

For this post, I am going to talk about red flags in relationships: boyfriend/girlfriend, marriage, coworkers, neighbors, siblings, kids/parents, friends — They all have them at some point and time.  The question is whether or not they are identified and acknowledged.

When we enter a relationship, the common goals (trust, loyalty, committment) are like the basic necessities of life (food, water, shelter, clothing). These common goals or necessities are the foundation for which all else stands.  Sadly, too many people (mostly women) go through life interacting with various people for various reasons — but expecting the same foundation to be present with each and every relationship. In some way, shape or form, trust, loyalty and committment are expected whenever we interact with people. Even saying “Hi” to a stranger passing by requires a form of trust — you are trusting this person is not going to harm you or take advantage of you.  Your neighbors – you are trusting they will mind their damn business or keep their word that they agreed to split the cost of the privacy fence.  It’s all about TLC (trust, loyalty, committment).

So where do the  red flags come in?  Depends. Sometimes they appear in the first few minutes of conversation, sometimes they do not appear until 6 months down the road.  Sometimes they do not show until 20 years later.  OR – perhaps the red flags were ALWAYS present….we just had no clue they were there — that was me. Looking back, I now know and understand I should have never entertained the thought of ever dating, much less marrying my ex. Everyone saw the red flags — everyone but me.  My family is the type of family that is happy if you are happy. They may not agree or approve, but if you are happy with your choice, they are happy for you. 

My ex was the VERY first person (outside of my family ) to ever say he loved me — so of course, I thougth this was true love and had to “act fast.” Being that I was teased (relentlesly) about  my weight from K – 12th grade, I never had a boyfriend; never had any type of interaction –other than my brothers giving me charlie horses– with a member of the opposite sex.

I was so excited and could not believe he actually loved me. ME! I could not wait to get married, start a family, and live “happily ever after.” – My ex, according to his family and friends, was a sworn batchelor and LOVED women RED FLAG. His Mom and sisters would always brag about his past girlfriends and how many he had. - RED FLAG!!!  I ignored so many facts: the fact that he drank almost every day (apparently that was “popular” in the service — so he said…and so I believed); the fact that I was the brunt of ALL of his jokes (I eventually realized he made me look bad in order to make himself look good — WTF!); the fact that he was a hands-off Dad (not his job, he would gladly say); the fact that he was verbally and emotionally abusive (I thought I was supposed to “take it” since we were married… after all, I had never been in any type of relationship before and I was now married — and I took my vows seriously….FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE, right!?!?!?!); I ignored the fact that we were drifting miles apart – yet I continued to be the “perfect” wife; I ignored the fact that he was nicer to a stranger on the street than he was to me; I ignored the fact that he was a self-centered, narcissistic sociopath that was a heavy drinker.  I paid no attention to any of it —- until  he started treating the kids like he was treating me and made the dangerous mistake of comparing me (HIS FUCKING WIFE) to one of HIS GIRLFRIENDS (yes, one of …as in there were several I later came to find out). That was my “Aha” moment.  That is when I soon realized all of the Red flags, red flags, red fucking flags!! 

I apologize in advance for any good men reading this —- But what kind of man backs their wife or child into a corner —for ANY reason!! What kind of man puts the fear of God in to their child just because he can?  There is a HUGE difference between having a fear of respect for a parent and being down right afraid (That is a whole nother topic for another day). What kind of man has several girlfriends and isn’t man enough or can’t get the lid off the jar open that contains his balls to man up and tell his wife he isn’t happy. Cheating in and of itself is a RED FUCKING FLAG!!! Spouses do not venture out unless something is amiss in the relationship – BET ON THAT!!!   I finally was sick and tired of being sick and tired of being sick and tired of being told I was not good enough and that my children weren’t good enough.  

My Mr. Wonderful was not so wonderful.  Marriage is supposed to be the utopia of sanctity; the euphoria of one-ness —- NOT a constant struggle for peace, kindness and acceptance.  Being boyfriend and girlfriend is a watered down version of marriage; the same rules apply, less the official paperwork (marriage certificate/vows). However, men and women seem to treat both the same — with little or no sense of commitment, loyalty, or trust – trust being the biggest misnomer.

Many relationships today have zero trust — take the phone for example.  Women and men both demand their mates password so they can “check” their phone. What in theeee hell is that? Please tell me where the trust is!? These two people are “exclusive” (quotes are necessary) and “committed” (necessary once again) — some are even engaged and/or married.  Ladies and gentlemen: If you feel the need to go through your mates phone — for A.N.Y reason, that is a RED FLAG, RED FLAG, RED FUCKING FLAG!!!

Relationships are a lot of work.  It takes TWO people to be loyal; two people to be committed; two people to be trusted and trusting. If you cannot or will not extend all of those qualities to your mate — unconditionally, then you are NOT ready to be in a relationship.  If you feel that I don’t know what the hell I am talking about, I don’t know your situation, or that your “situation is different” then you are sadly mistaken.  This isn’t rocket science; nor is it being said to cause strife or upset anyone taking the time to read this.  It is, however, a tool to help the reader become aware of, acknowledge, and hopefully understand that red flags are always present — the question you need to ask yourself is whether your red flags are attached to the end of a 2 x 4 on the bed of a truck or if they are attached to your relationship – any relationship you have (between your partner, child, neighbor, etc…).

As humans, we need to tap into and become aware of our gut feelings/instincts…if something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t.  This includes intimate relationships.  Love yourself enough to not settle….   Love yourself enough to not be with someone just so you do not have to be alone.  Love yourself enough TO NOT LET THE WRONG PERSON SAY THE RIGHT THING.  Belive me when I say NOTHING GOOD EVER COMES FROM THAT — E.V.E.R!!!

My ex remarried (the girlfriend he “wasn’t” seeing while married (heavy on the wink) within the year of our divorce. I remain single and don’t even date… I am working on me right now – setting my standards and realigning myself with the Word.  I am taking time to get to know me.  The single me.  I was a married single woman and mother for 20 years…    There is a HUGE difference between being a single mother and being single.  I am an expert at being a single mother; I suck at being single..   Dating scares me to death — DEATH!!  I have a fear of intimacy with men— for reasons that may come out in later blogs, but for now, just know that my fear is the fear of rejection…   I allowed the words from another’s mouth ( my ex husband) make me feel a certain way about myself — which caused me to have zero self-worth.  I have since made it a point to get myself in shape and take care of myself— which attracts a lot of men.  But that in itself is part of the problem — these are the men that are in committed relationships but have no problem approaching me.  What the hell is that about?  I now have to include “Are you married?” “Do you live with your girlfriend?” or my personal favorite “Do you live with the mother of your child?”  — I have to include those questions, because men seem to have oodles of explanations at the ready as to why they are justifying trying to talk with me (HUGE eye roll)…   Then there are the men that are physically attracted to me and only want the “P”.   They are disappointed when they find out they “ain’t gettin any.”

The sad thing is that the few have ruined it for the many.  I will say, however, that for me, the few have caused me to lead with red flags instead of being blinded by them.  Now I can spot a red flag a mile away.  This is not to say that some relationships are red-flag free (try saying that 10 times).  Those are the ones we all envy and dream of. What I am saying is to guard your heart and don’t settle.  NOTICE THE RED FLAGS!!  If you see red flags and you are only dating — that’s a sign.  If you are in a committed relationship and you either have seen or are noticing red flags, that’s an issue that needs to be addressed… if not addressed, the red flags will continue, fester and turn in to RED FLAGS, RED FLAGS, RED FUCKING FLAGS!!!

Don’t be a statistic. Instead, be an individual that is RFA (Red Flag Aware) :)  It truly will make your heart much happier!!!  And a happy heart is a healthy heart!! :)

Sex: Let’s discuss….shall we?!

Sex: It is a topic often times misunderstood, talked about too little, or talked about too much — depending on your thought process, belief system and/or how you view yourself. Unless you are Dr. Joyce Brothers, for those of you choosing to read this (men or women), I believe it will be of some benefit.  Now is the time to navigate away from this page or keep reading — as the information will be candid – yet necessary if you are breathing and in some type of relationship (or considering being in any type of relationship where sex will take place).

For some, sex is like food, water and air — a necessity  – part of who they are. They know what they like and know how to please their partner.  For others, sex is a three-letter word that is rarely discussed, rarely acted out, and rarely –if ever– enjoyed…almost as if a requirement for reproduction purposes only. Very dry – and very to the point.

So what’s the big deal? Why am I even blogging about sex? Because it is such an  important topic that is not talked about enough…and because I am actually trying to help you out, that’s why.  A lot of people believe “sex is just sex” — and wonder what the big deal is.  The big deal is that sex can be so much more. Sex is what you make it.

I don’t care what anyone says — sex IS one of the required pillars for a sound relationship.  Ladies: if your man, hubby or boyfriend isn’t getting it from you – you can bet he is getting it somewhere.  I don’t mean to sound hurtful or harsh –  I’m saying you need to open your eyes.  I was that wife that never expected, thought, or believed my husband — MY HUSBAND — would do that to me.  He “got it” a few times a week— sometimes a few times a month….but he got it.  He should be happy and satisfied, right?  WRONG!

It’s important to take a minute (or longer if necessary) to learn and understand your mate and their thought process. Ladies need to know how a man thinks (and that they think most times with the head in their pants — sorry, but it’s the truth)… and that just about every seven days (7 days, ladies) their testosterone levels rise again….  causing the “urge” to be right there with their flag flying high and standing at attention. By being in tune with your “man,” you can better understand and satisfy his needs.  “What about my needs? I need to be left alone!”  Then don’t be married.  Or if you insist on being left alone or only “giving it up” when either you feel like it or by limiting his intake, you can bet he will go outside of the relationship to fill the need.

I seriously do not understand most relationships today — I can’t tell you how often I am approached by men that are either in a relationship or married. I have learned to ask that straight up and right away.  The answer is always…”yes, but…I don’t get any at home.”   I don’t understand that — I really don’t.  I don’t understand why people get married or continue to stay in a relationship when they are not committed 100%.  Either you are in 100 or you are out 100.  This isn’t horse-shoes where close is good enough…    If you are going to cross that line and cheat — honey, keep it movin’ and don’t let the door hit you on the way out.  Cheat on me once, shame on you; cheat on me twice, shame on me.  It was shame on me several times over — I finally got rid of my ex and had to reassess my own sexual self.

This is what I discovered: I spent most of my married life as a conservative wife — especially, in the bedroom. I didn’t want him to think I was any kind of way.  It was routine and short (puns intended everywhere you can imagine) which = BORING. There was little or no communication — and when there was, it was one sided….it was him telling me what HE wanted…  he never asked what I wanted.  It was a chore, not an act.  It was reluctant and dreaded– not beautiful, hot, steamy and everything our freak side thinks it should and can be.

Yes, ladies, I said freak side.  Men have them (some more than others); women have them (yes, even you!). We all have them; however, for some strange reason we are afraid or unwilling to tap into, acknowledge and– God forbid– act on our inner freak.  Why is that?  That is what I want to discuss — or at least leave you thinking about.  See, if everyone would just understand and accept the fact that sex is a required pillar in a sound relationship — instead of thinking it’s an optional add-on, there would be less strife at home.  It’s a win-win for all.  Sometimes, I think we are our own worst enemy when it comes to sex or the problems in a relationship.  Now you know I love you, ladies, and we need to stick together; however, I’m trying to help you out.  Experience can be a motherfucker some times…..

Men are not free from blame here — not at all. In fact, they are much of the blame.  When a man takes a wife, the man gets tripped up in the title.  She is a wife now — and maybe will eventually be (if not already) a mother. Wives and mothers aren’t freaky (this is their thought process — I have interviewed plenty of men to know this to be factual).  He wants a freak, but has a hard time telling his wife he wants her to be a freak — like if she says “Sure, honey, I was waiting for you to ask…” he may think she was a freak with someone else (that is like the stupidest thing I have ever heard…but they really do think like that)…  So men: please tell me why you don’t expect your wife to be a freak, but you have no problem going outside of the relationship to find a freak???  Makes no sense.  I mean if you want a freak and are willing to risk your vows, marriage, and losing your wife in order to find one, then man up and walk away. You aren’t doing her any justice by staying.  Ladies: if you are tolerating your man going outside of the marriage in order to fulfill his sexual desires (and believe me, they have plenty), is it really a marriage? or are you just going through the motions? Are you allowing him to creep so you can maintain the lifestyle you have grown accustomed to? Are you afraid you will be alone? Are you worried you will not find anyone better? What!?  Why are you allowing this to happen?    You can be the one he gets his freak on with — Or… better yet, he can be the one you get your freak on with…   Give him every reason to stay put — because here’s the thing: Either you put it on him or someone else will.  Bottom line.  Sad to say, ladies – but it’s a fact.  So, your choice is to either give him the hall pass or keep him in class (engage him in the learning process)…  The choice is yours.

Trust is key to tapping in to the inner freak.  Why? Because your inner freak is your deepest, wildest fantasies come to life — but with those fantasies comes the fear of rejection or worse — ridicule.  Neither one can E.V.E.R. be present if the inner freak is to emerge.  There has to be a sense of security and  trust with that person to totally let your self be — well, freaky.  Being freaky doesn’t mean porn.  It can if that’s what your inner freak is. But when I say your inner freak, I mean letting yourself be you. Moving in a way that is carefree; not having to worry about what he will think of you naked; not having to worry about what he will think if you try something new; letting yourself be open to new ideas and/or things he is wanting to try on you; letting yourself be open to new ideas and/or things he is wanting you to try on him.  There can be no fear! That’s the beauty of the inner freak….  It just is.

Being intimate is part of the inner freak.  The goal is to make his toes curl — and his goal should be to make your toes curl. Toes curl?!  What are you talking about?  The utopia of freakiness is when you are in the moment and you feel it all the way in your toes — it’s like you can’t get enough and want more — it becomes that necessity like food, water and air I was talking about earlier.

This is where most women trip up and perhaps the number one reason men venture outside the relationship: Ladies, give your man some dam head!  It’s not rocket science, it not gross, it’s not a deal breaker.  Well, let me back up — you can SAY it’s a deal breaker…. but if you do, EXPECT him to get it somewhere else.  That is a guarantee….   So, once again, you have a choice: You can put all types of demands on your man “I’m NOT doing that….”  “You better NOT get this anywhere else! Mk (that’s one of my favorites..) — you get the idea.  Men do not like to be given an ultimatum. You can give them one, but expect push back. You may not see the push back, but I can guarantee it is there.

Men are boys in grown bodies… Boys like to touch and play with things — Men like to touch and play with things. They like to win. They are competitive. They want the best of the best of whatever it is.  THEY ARE VISUAL. So what does this all mean?  Polish your nails, paint your toe nails, keep your feet soft, lotion up every day after the shower, ditch the cotton briefs (panty lines are N.E.V.E.R in style or attractive — E.V.E.R) and try lace boy shorts or cheekies (I prefer cheekies, but that’s just me). Keep the ho-hum bras for the gym and grunge day around the house (we all have those days), but choose the lace or pretty bras instead.Get measured and properly fitted for a bra at Victoria’s Secret (measurements are free).   If you can afford Victoria’s Secret – do it!  Men LOVE seeing the pink Vicky’s bag — because they know what that store is all about (bringing out the inner freak).  Men love to know you took time for them.  They are big babies and want to feel wanted, needed, appreciated, and yes, like they have conquered you. Make them feel like a man.  Put it on them like you never have before…  You won’t be sorry — you might even learn to like love it.

Your inner freak will not show if it is forced — it has to come out on its own. Your inner freak appears when the heart is in the right place. It takes a special vibe for the sexual you to come out  — you won’t know until you try. You can’t try until you’re ready. You won’t be ready until your tired of the way things are.

Love yourself. Love your body. Tap into and love your inner freak. He’ll be glad you did :)

When Good Isn’t Good Enough:Falling Short of The Law, The Lord, and/or Integrity

This is one of the blog posts where my fingers are doing all of the talking….  I was moved to write the title and am now moved by my fingers on what to say.  As humans, we are put on this earth to serve a purpose. I believe that.  Some seem to find their purpose early on; some by the time they finish high school; others after college —- then there are those that seem to never find their way.  A lost soul of sorts.  That’s me.

While I am not a doctor, psychologist, or anything in between, I am an individual who has been on the receiving end of some very hurtful acts on the mind, spirit, and soul.  Some of you reading this may not think that is very serious, because it is not physical abuse (which, please know and understand is extremely serious and the fuckers that lay their hands on women need their hands removed themselves…) — but the type of emotional and verbal abuse can some times run much deeper than the physical; thus scarring a person indefinitely.  Abuse of any kind changes people. It changes who you are, it changes who you thought you wanted to be, it changes who you were, it changes your view on people, places, and things.  What used to matter doesn’t; what never mattered now does. Life seems to simplify.  Emotional and verbal abuse runs deep — and, because it is “invisible” to the human eye, it doesn’t seem as important.  Think of it like a person with a disability.  Someone who is blind or deaf is not thought of as being as disabled as someone who may be a paraplegic.  Feel free to argue this point with me — as I know from what I speak.

This is part of what’s wrong with society: They see what they want to see and don’t seem to pay attention to what the don’t see (or don’t want to see).  Makes me crazy!!!  These are the same people who complain about today’s youth and the trouble they cause.  Did you ever stop to look at the reason WHY the kids are doing what they are doing? Why they are getting in to trouble in the first place?  As humans, we are so quick to judge based on the immediate evidence; instead, we should collect all of the evidence — and that means taking the time (yes, actually taking the time) to put your pulse on the root of the problem.  I am talking to parents, teachers, court systems, and society in general.

Every single one of us has done one thing or another in life that has caused us to fall short of the law, the Lord, or integrity — Yes, EVEN YOU!!!  That woman you met on your way home from work and had “drinks” with (while you told your wife you worked late); The  hand-full of highlighters and/or office supplies that mysteriously landed in your Tote on your way out the door from work (How’d those get in there???);  Going 80 in a 60 MPH zone on the highway with an excuse all planned out and tissues at the ready -”just in case you get pulled over.”  To the more serious offences: Swearing under Oath to abide by the rules you will “follow” once in office — only to end up on the front page news for being dishonest.  The list goes on and intensifies along the way — but you get the idea.  We all have our faults — every one of us!  If that is the case, then why isn’t society aligned with the Word.  Regardless of your belief system, the bottom line is love and compassion - “Do unto others…”   Those few words seem to have hollow meaning and appear to have been removed from any and all language base.  I simply do not understand where kindness, love, empathy, and compassion have gone. I really don’t.

Church: That means different things to different people.  Some people take pride in going to “Church” (the quotes are necessary), as they are just entering a building that happens to be called a church. They say it so lackadaisical — as they do when they say they are going to the store. It’s a place they go with little or no meaning.  They do not attend, nor are they of the Church: Where the Word is voluntarily received and flows fearfully through the veins of those ready to receive the Word. This is not something you can buy – while money is both welcomed and encouraged for tithing, it will NOT make you of the Church… that has to come within – you have to want it, need it, fear it, breathe it….   It must come from your heart, soul, and spirit. The very heart, soul, and spirit that have been broken, lied to, hurt, jilted, rejected, destroyed, and everything in between.  This is the HEALING PLACE.  The place where all PPO, HMO, NOPO are welcome.  There is one catch though — you have to be ready to receive. You have to be at the lowest point where the only place left to go is up…otherwise, you will just “go” to the building known as a church.

I went to church (yes, the building) for 20 years and got nothing out of it. Actually, it was a waste of my Saturday evening –Sorry God… I did not know then what I know now! :)  At the time, I did not think I needed to go: I was Christian, after all — and a Catholic. My in-laws were “upstanding Catholic hypocrits  citizens” That makes me of the Church, right!!??  Wrong!  I am well aware of that now — but back then, I had no clue and was just irritated that it took so dang long — it was like the longest hour of my life….  (I am happy to report that I left the Catholic Church and now attend a Baptist Church — what denomination doesn’t matter — what matters is that you find a Church that speaks to you. A Church that makes you want to stay until you are kicked out. A Church that makes you cry just from sitting there — as if the Lord is sitting either on your lap or right next to you… then the Lord gently ushers you up to the Alter–as if He is saying, “Walk with me and just stand.”   I get chills from just thinking about it.  For those of you nodding your head, you know what I mean— you have been there.  You “get it”.  For those of you that are about ready to delete this and think I am some kind of crack pot — I double dawg dare you to delete it…. Because that means you go to church (instead of Church) and struggle to understand what the hell I am talking about. It’s OK – God is still working on you — but believe me when I say — YOU WILL KNOW WHEN HE IS READY FOR YOU TO LISTEN…   So, my advice to you is to LISTEN when he speaks!!

I have fallen short of the law, the Lord, and integrity — I am still an amazing person with a tender soul, have a wonderful warm and caring heart, and will still help the bastards that hurt me if I see them broken down on the side of the road — Because that is the person God wants me to be.  Even when you fall short, you need to take responsibility and ownership:  I have done both. Yet the fact remains that society holds the purse strings (except during election year…) on the imperfect… the same society that goes to church (not Church) every weekend.  They religiously are “religious” when they are with their “religious” worshipers at church — but come Monday morning, they are crucifying the imperfect and condemning those that have fallen short…  See, here’s the thing:  Everyone has a choice: You can wake up and choose to be mean (takes more energy, by the way) – or – You can wake up and choose to be nice kind.  I almost said nice, but then anyone can be nice (Hitler was nice to some people) nice is what you do, kind is who you are.

What I thought was my passion did not seem to be God’s passion for me. He snatched me up in order to get my attention – he literally turned my life upside down.  While there, I learned to: Let go and let God, just stand, appreciate mercy, understand grace, and learn what it means to have faith.  As a result, I know believe my intended passion is to help others that have been or are going through.  I am a fierce advocate and have been the underdog, teased, belittled, verbally and emotionally abused by the very person that was supposed to put me on a pedestal. Instead, he made it his goal to drag me down and was furious when he learned it did not destroy me.  No one should have to endure mean – no one.  And if I have anything to say or do about it, no one will.

Everyone deserves to be loved; but instead, many are misunderstood.

Society needs to desperately align itself with the Word — until then, this country will continue to be a hot ass mess!!!!!!!!!!

What you do does not define who you are!

I truly believe what you do does not define who you are!.  Why is it that religious avenues (regardless of the faith) teach understanding, patience, and forgiveness — while  society clearly seems to do the exact opposite?  I have to shake my head at the  “church goers” that turn in early on Satruday evening, only to get up bright and early on Sunday morning to worship.  But what, exactly, are they worshiping? Are they truly hearing what is being said? or are they filling a vacant seat in the pew, periodically checking their phone or watch, thinking about what to make for dinner or what time the game starts.  More importantly, do they walk out of the Church doors and actually apply what they have learned to their daily life?   Unfortunately, for the most part, the answer to that question is —- NO!!!!.

Why is that? Well, in my expereince, it is because most people are not ready to really hear what is being said. Either they have never been through the very type of “mess” that is being preached about in Church, or they simply are too ignorant to think that what is being said applies to them… after all, they are faithful churchgoers, right!? (if there was a sarcasm symbol, I would insert here.)  They say the words, “love thy neighbor” and “forgive those who have hurt or offended you”… yet, they will be the first to condemn you for whatever it is you did.   Where is the understanding, patience, and forgiveness in that?  Good question! Let me know when you find out.

I deal with this on the daily from my ex — who, he will be happy to tell you, takes pride in his faith.  He takes pride in the fact that he is Catholic religious; actually boasting that  his religion is “best” and everyone else is beneath him.   Sadly, that mentality makes up a large portion of society — which brings me back around to my statement that what you do does not define who you are.

My Mom has always called me stubborn; perhaps she was/is on to something.  It appears that God felt the same way– as I was aparently choosing not to hear His Word — at least I did not believe it applied to me.  God doesn’t play around – and if you are not aware of that, He will be glad to tell or show you. Sometimes — as in my case — he allowed me to fall — BIG time!! However, it was only through his GRACE, MERCY, and FORGIVENESS that I was able to understand, appreciate, and become a servant to Him and what He is about.  Which brings me back to the title of this post.  When I fell, I did NOT feel like I was worthy of anything; especially, His love and/or forgiveness. I now realize He was the first to forgive and the first to show love (I had not realized that fact though right away )

Society around me (largely made up of the die-hard “Catholics” — heavy on the quotes) was the first to take my mess and use it against me.  They let me know (through actions — non-Christian actions from Church-going Catholics Christians)  that I was immediately removed from their circle of purity.  Their true colors were waiving high on the flag pole of hypocracy for everyone to see!

While I would normally not give a rats ass what others think, this behavior was coming directly from those boasting about their “Godly” behavior and self-righteousness.  I am not saying people should not be held accountable for their actions — they most certainly should.  What I am saying, however, is that people are human. People are going to make mistakes; some much worse than others.  As humans, we are perfectly imperfect.  Instead of condemming people for their imperfections, we, as a society, should walk that same walk we soak up in whatever Word we choose to follow.  It appears that “love thy neighbor” only applies when the neighbor are perfect like they are (insert sarcasm icon)

It becomes quite difficult to teach our children tolerance when the very society we live in refuses to do so.

Imperfect people have amazing qualities about them ..  We need to take the time to find out what they are :) :) :) :)

The Debacle of Dating

I used to think that if I did not have a date or “steady other,” then I was not complete.  I now know that is the furthest thing from the truth.  What makes a woman think that way? Why do we feel incomplete if we are not being adored and attended to 24/7?  I mean, seriously! What woman does not need a man!!??

ME! ….and you! That’s who!!

God has an amazing sense of humor and is an outstanding teacher. He allows us to fall—in hopes of understanding why we fell in the first place in order to stand on our own in the future.  For me, that meant learning to love myself enough to know that I am the only one that can complete me!

So, what does this have to do with dating? Everything! From what I have read thus far, the purpose of dating is to weed out the “unqualified” in search for the “qualified” candidate that may, one day, be your spouse (at least in theory)…

After 20 plus years of verbal and emotional abuse from my spouse, I finally got sick and tired of being sick and tired of being sick and tired of the way he was treating both myself and my kids (they are technically our kids, but when the line is drawn in the sand, they are my kids). 

When you are married, you are entering a time in your life where a Godly contract has been set in place and you are both “signing” the contract by stating, before God and your friends/family, that yes, I will abide by these “rules” – AKA ..VOWS!  What most couples today do not realize is the vows are no longer taken seriously. It is like marriage is just another act….something we have to “get ready for” – and even that has become a parade of sorts.  Ordering the largest cake, buying the most expensive dress, renting the most sought after venue for the reception – and bypassing your local church for the “ultimate” Godly experience for everyone to see and envy.  Marriage should not be about envy, jealously, pressure, or anything else in between. Marriage should be simple, pure, honest, and acted upon strictly from the heart and soul. Period!!

 I am not a fan of marriage and seriously do not plan on taking that walk again; however, I am being told I need to “get back out there” and give dating a shot.  Here is my take on men: To me, all men are shady in some way, shape, or form.  And to those men that declare they are “not like those other guys,” maybe you aren’t – but, you are still shady. The only difference is your shadiness appears in a different manner – at a different time.  Gentlemen, please feel free to chime in on my take on men. I am open-minded and will be happy to hear your side.  I am speaking from experience and have learned that I have yet to find a man whose actions match their words more times than not. 

I have made plenty of mistakes, some of which were very costly; however, the one thing that has remained constant is my sense of self and how I view men. If anything, my journey has caused me to search for the red flags up front – as I now know what I will tolerate, won’t tolerate, what is negotiable in a relationship and what is an absolute deal breaker.    

I am honest and loyal to a fault and truly believe in commitment – which is why I do not really date. Too many men begin with the physical, starting from the bottom (no pun intended) and working their way up to the top — to me, that’s annoying as hell!  While physical attraction plays a factor, I tend to start at the top (I want to know what’s in the brain…) and work my way to the bottom….     I know in the first few seconds of meeting you whether or not I could be intimate with a person (I guess you could say it’s the vibe)…. If I don’t feel a positive vibe, friends is all we will be—  I don’t want or need you to take me to dinner, because you aren’t getting anything out of it — so you might as well save your money and spend it on someone that will give you something out of it. 

Perhaps I just haven’t met the right man… Perhaps.  Perhaps I am still enjoying my “ME” time and that currently does not involve any type of man. 

 

What is your current frustration?

My current frustration is the fact that too many people do not feel the need to do their job.  “It’s not my problem” seems to be the phrase of the day.   Without being rude or disrespectful, I feel it is important to hold people accountable — making sure they do whatever it is they are supposed to be doing.  It’s not hard. It’s not rocket science. It’s your job, already — so just do it!

My Venting

Error: Twitter did not respond. Please wait a few minutes and refresh this page.

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 959 other followers

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 959 other followers

%d bloggers like this: