Red Flag, Red Flag, Red Fucking Flag!!!

Growing up, the only red flags I even knew existed were tied to the end of a board or piece of equipment sticking out from the back of a pick up truck. Even then, the purpose of the red flag was to make you aware of a potential hazard.  How unfortunate for me that  it took me more than half my life to discover that red flags are everywhere, not just sticking out from the bed of the truck in front of you.

This may be a one-woman show (as I am sure everyone reading this is like…”who wouldn’t know THAT was/is a red flag” ) — well, that someone would be me. 

For this post, I am going to talk about red flags in relationships: boyfriend/girlfriend, marriage, coworkers, neighbors, siblings, kids/parents, friends — They all have them at some point and time.  The question is whether or not they are identified and acknowledged.

When we enter a relationship, the common goals (trust, loyalty, committment) are like the basic necessities of life (food, water, shelter, clothing). These common goals or necessities are the foundation for which all else stands.  Sadly, too many people (mostly women) go through life interacting with various people for various reasons — but expecting the same foundation to be present with each and every relationship. In some way, shape or form, trust, loyalty and committment are expected whenever we interact with people. Even saying “Hi” to a stranger passing by requires a form of trust — you are trusting this person is not going to harm you or take advantage of you.  Your neighbors – you are trusting they will mind their damn business or keep their word that they agreed to split the cost of the privacy fence.  It’s all about TLC (trust, loyalty, committment).

So where do the  red flags come in?  Depends. Sometimes they appear in the first few minutes of conversation, sometimes they do not appear until 6 months down the road.  Sometimes they do not show until 20 years later.  OR – perhaps the red flags were ALWAYS present….we just had no clue they were there — that was me. Looking back, I now know and understand I should have never entertained the thought of ever dating, much less marrying my ex. Everyone saw the red flags — everyone but me.  My family is the type of family that is happy if you are happy. They may not agree or approve, but if you are happy with your choice, they are happy for you. 

My ex was the VERY first person (outside of my family ) to ever say he loved me — so of course, I thougth this was true love and had to “act fast.” Being that I was teased (relentlesly) about  my weight from K – 12th grade, I never had a boyfriend; never had any type of interaction –other than my brothers giving me charlie horses– with a member of the opposite sex.

I was so excited and could not believe he actually loved me. ME! I could not wait to get married, start a family, and live “happily ever after.” – My ex, according to his family and friends, was a sworn batchelor and LOVED women RED FLAG. His Mom and sisters would always brag about his past girlfriends and how many he had. – RED FLAG!!!  I ignored so many facts: the fact that he drank almost every day (apparently that was “popular” in the service — so he said…and so I believed); the fact that I was the brunt of ALL of his jokes (I eventually realized he made me look bad in order to make himself look good — WTF!); the fact that he was a hands-off Dad (not his job, he would gladly say); the fact that he was verbally and emotionally abusive (I thought I was supposed to “take it” since we were married… after all, I had never been in any type of relationship before and I was now married — and I took my vows seriously….FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE, right!?!?!?!); I ignored the fact that we were drifting miles apart – yet I continued to be the “perfect” wife; I ignored the fact that he was nicer to a stranger on the street than he was to me; I ignored the fact that he was a self-centered, narcissistic sociopath that was a heavy drinker.  I paid no attention to any of it —- until  he started treating the kids like he was treating me and made the dangerous mistake of comparing me (HIS FUCKING WIFE) to one of HIS GIRLFRIENDS (yes, one of …as in there were several I later came to find out). That was my “Aha” moment.  That is when I soon realized all of the Red flags, red flags, red fucking flags!! 

I apologize in advance for any good men reading this —- But what kind of man backs their wife or child into a corner —for ANY reason!! What kind of man puts the fear of God in to their child just because he can?  There is a HUGE difference between having a fear of respect for a parent and being down right afraid (That is a whole nother topic for another day). What kind of man has several girlfriends and isn’t man enough or can’t get the lid off the jar open that contains his balls to man up and tell his wife he isn’t happy. Cheating in and of itself is a RED FUCKING FLAG!!! Spouses do not venture out unless something is amiss in the relationship – BET ON THAT!!!   I finally was sick and tired of being sick and tired of being sick and tired of being told I was not good enough and that my children weren’t good enough.  

My Mr. Wonderful was not so wonderful.  Marriage is supposed to be the utopia of sanctity; the euphoria of one-ness —- NOT a constant struggle for peace, kindness and acceptance.  Being boyfriend and girlfriend is a watered down version of marriage; the same rules apply, less the official paperwork (marriage certificate/vows). However, men and women seem to treat both the same — with little or no sense of commitment, loyalty, or trust – trust being the biggest misnomer.

Many relationships today have zero trust — take the phone for example.  Women and men both demand their mates password so they can “check” their phone. What in theeee hell is that? Please tell me where the trust is!? These two people are “exclusive” (quotes are necessary) and “committed” (necessary once again) — some are even engaged and/or married.  Ladies and gentlemen: If you feel the need to go through your mates phone — for A.N.Y reason, that is a RED FLAG, RED FLAG, RED FUCKING FLAG!!!

Relationships are a lot of work.  It takes TWO people to be loyal; two people to be committed; two people to be trusted and trusting. If you cannot or will not extend all of those qualities to your mate — unconditionally, then you are NOT ready to be in a relationship.  If you feel that I don’t know what the hell I am talking about, I don’t know your situation, or that your “situation is different” then you are sadly mistaken.  This isn’t rocket science; nor is it being said to cause strife or upset anyone taking the time to read this.  It is, however, a tool to help the reader become aware of, acknowledge, and hopefully understand that red flags are always present — the question you need to ask yourself is whether your red flags are attached to the end of a 2 x 4 on the bed of a truck or if they are attached to your relationship – any relationship you have (between your partner, child, neighbor, etc…).

As humans, we need to tap into and become aware of our gut feelings/instincts…if something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t.  This includes intimate relationships.  Love yourself enough to not settle….   Love yourself enough to not be with someone just so you do not have to be alone.  Love yourself enough TO NOT LET THE WRONG PERSON SAY THE RIGHT THING.  Belive me when I say NOTHING GOOD EVER COMES FROM THAT — E.V.E.R!!!

My ex remarried (the girlfriend he “wasn’t” seeing while married (heavy on the wink) within the year of our divorce. I remain single and don’t even date… I am working on me right now – setting my standards and realigning myself with the Word.  I am taking time to get to know me.  The single me.  I was a married single woman and mother for 20 years…    There is a HUGE difference between being a single mother and being single.  I am an expert at being a single mother; I suck at being single..   Dating scares me to death — DEATH!!  I have a fear of intimacy with men— for reasons that may come out in later blogs, but for now, just know that my fear is the fear of rejection…   I allowed the words from another’s mouth ( my ex husband) make me feel a certain way about myself — which caused me to have zero self-worth.  I have since made it a point to get myself in shape and take care of myself— which attracts a lot of men.  But that in itself is part of the problem — these are the men that are in committed relationships but have no problem approaching me.  What the hell is that about?  I now have to include “Are you married?” “Do you live with your girlfriend?” or my personal favorite “Do you live with the mother of your child?”  — I have to include those questions, because men seem to have oodles of explanations at the ready as to why they are justifying trying to talk with me (HUGE eye roll)…   Then there are the men that are physically attracted to me and only want the “P”.   They are disappointed when they find out they “ain’t gettin any.”

The sad thing is that the few have ruined it for the many.  I will say, however, that for me, the few have caused me to lead with red flags instead of being blinded by them.  Now I can spot a red flag a mile away.  This is not to say that some relationships are red-flag free (try saying that 10 times).  Those are the ones we all envy and dream of. What I am saying is to guard your heart and don’t settle.  NOTICE THE RED FLAGS!!  If you see red flags and you are only dating — that’s a sign.  If you are in a committed relationship and you either have seen or are noticing red flags, that’s an issue that needs to be addressed… if not addressed, the red flags will continue, fester and turn in to RED FLAGS, RED FLAGS, RED FUCKING FLAGS!!!

Don’t be a statistic. Instead, be an individual that is RFA (Red Flag Aware) :)  It truly will make your heart much happier!!!  And a happy heart is a healthy heart!! :)

1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. The Hobbler
    May 10, 2012 @ 14:07:42

    You, as one of my followers, are cordially invited to my darker and a little more personal blog: http://nothobblingnow.wordpress.com/

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

My Venting

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 959 other followers

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 959 other followers

%d bloggers like this: